Returning to Work after a Loss or Diagnosis

Deciding when to return to work after you’ve received a diagnosis or experienced a loss is completely individual.  For some people returning to their work routine brings about a sense of ‘normality’ but most people will require time off to process and grieve their loss.  It can be difficult to return to the workplace where everything has continued on as normal when you have endured this often life changing experience.

For anyone who’s loss occurred over 23 week’s gestation, they will be entitled to full maternity leave plus additional leave to correlate with when the baby’s due date actually was. Unfortunately for anyone who’s loss occurred before 23 week’s gestation, until they bring in statutory leave entitlements, you are relying on your own company’s policy or your GP to certify you for sick leave.  Try and take as much leave as you’re able to take.  People assume you’re ‘back to normal’ once you’re back at work and this can add to the emotional stress of trying to function normally while still grieving and processing.

You may find when you return to work that your concentration and tolerance levels are not what they were beforehand.  Be patient with yourself and do not expect too much of yourself in the early days.  You will also probably find that you are exhausted upon your return.  This is because it takes extra energy for the body and mind to act ‘normally’ and ‘keep it together’ whilst you’re still grieving your loss.  For this reason, if it’s possible to go back to work for shorter days or a shorter working week, this can be a good option to ease the transition back a bit. 

Before you return, if you feel up to it, it can be good to drop into work to say hi to colleagues in advance of your official return.  This breaks the ice a little for your first day back.  You can also talk to a trusted colleague or manager beforehand to tell them to brief others about your loss, as much or as little detail as you’re comfortable with and give instructions for how you would like to be dealt with.  For example, you could tell them that you’ve lost your baby/your baby has died and that you don’t wish to talk about it or answer questions.  Or, you might prefer people to acknowledge what you’ve been through and that you’re happy for people to sympathise with you.  Often people just don’t know how to react when they see you for fear of upsetting you further, so they welcome instruction on your preferences.  Unfortunately, people can, with the best of intentions, say insensitive things and feel that you just need cheering up.  Often there can be an expectation that if you’re back to work you must be ‘over it’ by now.  It can be hard to deal with and it can be helpful to have one or two pre decided phrases that you have so you can use in these situations. Such as ‘ Although I’ve returned to work, losing a baby is something that you carry with you always’ or ‘Some days are just going to be harder than others to get through for me at the moment’.

When you’re back at work, take regular breaks.  If you feel you are becoming overwhelmed, go to the bathroom or to your car to shed a quick tear, do some breathing exercises or just take time to compose yourself again.  Some days will feel easier than others but some days can be tough even after you’ve returned for some time. 

It can be particularly hard if you deal with babies, children or other pregnant women as part of your job, so we would advise people in these industries to take as much time as possible off before they return.

Dealing with pregnant colleagues at work can be difficult.  It’s completely ok to excuse yourself from these conversations or activities with zero guilt.  Again, it can be helpful to have a stock phrase to use such as ‘I’m very happy for you but as you can understand, it’s quite difficult for me after I’ve endured a loss so for now, I’m taking a little bit of space’. It might be hard for them to hear but your mental health is more important at this time.

For Dads, there can generally be the expectation that they will continue on at work with very little, if any, leave.  This can be very hard as men can feel that they haven’t had as much time to grieve themselves.  Others prefer being back at work as they immerse themselves in their jobs and that’s how they deal with grief.  This can lead to a disconnect if their partner is at home by themselves all day and feels that he’s back to normal at work and has ‘moved on’ from grieving their baby.  Hard as it is, just try and keep open communication with your partner and by expressing your thoughts and needs, hopefully you will be able to come to an understanding of one another’s grieving process.

Returning to work is yet another challenge that comes when you’ve lost a baby.  Take as much time off as you can and if you do find that you’ve returned sooner than you are able to, get signed off again if possible.  Trying to ‘tough through it’ can often be more damaging to your mental health in the long run.  Communication is key here, both with your manager, your colleagues and your partner to ensure that your unique needs and grieving style are accommodated as much as possible.