Grief and Healing after Baby Loss

For most parents, grief comes with the news that their baby is very unwell…

Each parent has an individual grief journey, the path of which is unpredictable. You might not know what supports you need at any given time, or may feel you want to be left alone.

Ask your hospital for the contact details of the Bereavement support team, if these are not provided to you.

Again, there is no right or wrong way to grieve or to feel in this most difficult time. It is important to give yourself space and the time to grieve and heal at your own pace and in your own way.

Many people find it helpful to get tokens of remembrance such as footprints, handprints, photos if possible. This can sometimes be arranged through the hospital you attend outside of Ireland.

You may wish to plant a tree or perennial flowers in the garden that will return year after year. Counselling with the right person can also be very helpful.

Whatever your way, try not to go through this alone. Reach out to those who you trust and who give the kind of support you require; whether that be through family, friends or finding others who have gone through a similar loss.

Sharing and giving voice to your emotions really can help you through – especially in the first few months following your loss.

women supporting women through baby and pregnancy loss

Telling Family and Friends

This can be a very isolating time. You may not feel ready to talk to people about your baby’s diagnosis or want to.

Telling a close family member or friend to share the news with others might be helpful so that it isn’t left to you to break it, as this may be difficult to keep going over.

Be open with people if it feels safe to do so, if you want to be left alone to process things, it’s ok to tell them. You could let them know that you will contact them when you feel ready to talk. You may also feel that you do want to talk and if so then do.

There is no right or wrong way to get through this difficult time. But it is good to get your thoughts and feelings out with someone it feels safe to talk to.  

How Can I help a Loved One who is Losing a Baby?

Family members should take their cue from the grieving parent and not impose their idea of grief, memorialising or helpfulness on a person who is not receptive to it. This can also be difficult as each parent will have their own way of grieving, or be at different stages emotionally in their grief.

A research team who exhibited at the International Stillbirth Alliance Conference in Madrid 2019, compiled a list of phrases bereaved parents noted as helpful, and those that were cited as unhelpful. This list very much matches the experiences LMC members have reported over the years…

DO say


• I am so sorry for what you are going through
• I don’t have the words to express how I feel
• I cannot imagine what you are feeling
• It is alright for you to cry
• I am here to listen to you (and actually listen)
• I don’t know what to say
• You have a gorgeous baby
• How do you feel?
• Would you like to talk or would you prefer to be quiet?
• Would you like me to stay or would you like to be alone?
• I would like to do something for you

AVOID saying


• Be strong
• Try not to cry
• You need to move on
• Time heals
• This was God’s plan
• Everything happens for a reason
• This is not the end of the world
• Now you have a little angel
• Your baby is not suffering now
• Your baby is in a better place
• Your baby wouldn’t want you to be upset
• You can have another one
• Be strong, you must be strong for your partner or other children
• This will make you a better person
• Time is a great healer
• You will/should forget this
• Keep busy/distract yourself
• Everyone dies
• It is better now than later

It is vital to remember that every pregnancy is different and parents with multiple losses have lost different babies and different hopes, dreams and futures with every loss. Never compare the current loss to a previous loss unless the parents want to. Never compare the current loss to anyone else’s loss even if the situation is similar, unless that is helpful to the parents.

There is a recurring theme of friends and family attempting to find a silver lining or to look on the bright side. If a person who is experiencing baby loss – or any tragedy – chooses to see a positive side to that experience then that is their prerogative.

To expect them to do so, or to try to force them to adopt a positive outlook, is wholly inappropriate. It is highly inadvisable and very insensitive to start any sentence with, “At least…”

Some examples of phrases to avoid:
“At least you know you can get pregnant”.
“At least you have other children”.
“At least you didn’t lose a child to cancer”.
“At least it wasn’t a cot death”.
“At least you didn’t see her alive”.
“At least you found out early”.
“At least you hadn’t told anyone you were pregnant yet”.

Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief occurs when a loss is not usually openly acknowledged or socially accepted. You may feel that you cannot mourn your baby. Others may not realise the gravity of your loss, or make you feel you need to “move on.”

Society upholds and curates norms and customs for grieving, yet these customs are often not in place. It can be difficult to construct meaning after such a loss, when we can’t turn to the world for the validation that is so desperately needed.

When describing what you have experienced, it can be challenging to find the right words to those that may not understand and as a result, in so in many cases, grief is buried.

The first step in experiencing this grief is allowing it to be recognised, even by yourself. The permission to feel this loss which may not be acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported is the first step in healing what can be a life-altering experience.

Grieving a baby that you once felt kick, but maybe did not get to hold if only briefly, takes time to process and with the right supports in place, it can be a time for making meaning from your loss, a time for healing and cherishing your baby’s memory.

If you have chosen to end pregnancy for medical reasons, this can add layers of complexity. You may feel guilt, or question your decision. It may also go against the principles of friends and family to end a pregnancy.

LMC provides non-judgemental support as you grieve through TFMR.

(Ask for some quotes from people in the group)

Relief of Symptoms and Maternal Health

While not the focus of LMC, we recognise that women who have a termination for maternal health reasons have complex grief.

You may also have mixed feelings of relief from symptoms after losing your baby naturally or after TFMR.

The following resources may be useful to you:

Hyperemesis Ireland: https://www.hyperemesis.ie/

Pregnancy Sickness support: https://pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/

Antenatal Results and Choices, Ja’Nai’s Story: https://www.arc-uk.org/story/janais-story/

“I had a TFMR for trisomy 21. While I was heartbroken and grieving, I also felt such relief because I had hyperemesis gravidarium. I felt guilty for feeling better while still missing my baby.”

Anniversaries, Birthdays and Due Dates

How you acknowledge and remember your baby on these days is entirely up to you and may vary each year. Some days you may feel you want to celebrate your baby, and other days you might want to curl up with a blanket. There is no right or wrong way to spend these days.

If you expect your friends and family to participate in some way, try to communicate this to them if possible to avoid disappointment. We often hear of babies names missing from Christmas cards or not mentioned at family gatherings, which can be very hurtful. Usually this is because people don’t know what to say, or how to say it.

“My mam sent me a Christmas card that had the dogs’ names, but not Darragh’s. I was texting her on his birthday but she didn’t acknowledge it. I asked her ‘are you not going to say happy birthday to Darragh?’ She said she didn’t know if I would want her to say it, and that she would always think of him on his birthday, that she ‘didn’t want to upset me’. I had told her many times before that saying nothing is always worse, and that I think of him all the time so her mentioning him is never going to upset me. After a few messages I said ‘you just have to say happy birthday.’ After that she finally did send a birthday wish”

In Honour of Your Baby

There are any number of things you might want to do to honour your baby. Whether its making a space to go such as a bench or flowerbed, having a symbol on your person, or taking action to help others, here are some suggestions:

  • Plant a tree dedicated to your baby

  • Donate or dedicate a bench to your baby

  • Donate a toy in their name to a children’s charity on their birthday and at Christmas

  • Light a candle in memory of your baby

  • Have a piece of jewellery made with their thumbprint or from their ashes

  • Write a letter to your baby, add it to a memory book and add to it as you like

  • Donate a Féileacáin memory box

  • Donate an Aching Arms bear to another bereaved family in memory of your baby

  • Get a tattoo in memory of your baby

  • Get a weighted teddy, matching your baby’s birth weight. There are several companies that can do this and you can also find some on Etsy

For friends and family, it is not only birthdays, anniversaries, and occasions like Christmas that may be painful for the parents and siblings who have lost a baby. The following days may also bring sadness:

  • Mother’s/father’s day

  • When the child was due to start school

  • Birthdays of children who would have been a similar age to their baby, especially the baby’s cousins

GET IN TOUCH

Managing Distress

When you are experiencing painful feelings, there may be ways to soothe yourself.

Some of the ideas below might help you in different situations.

Cognitive strategies

Write in a journal

Use positive self-talk

What would a friend say to you?

Read something you find inspiring

Have something you can go back to at difficult times (book of poetry, art, photos, film)

Remind yourself you have come through difficult times before

Write a letter to yourself or someone else (you don’t have to send it)

Interpersonal strategies

Let someone know you need support

Phone a friend

Imagine what you might say to a therapist or someone who can support you

Sensory strategies

Take a few quiet breaths

Listen to music

Wear comfortable clothing

Have a shower or bath with products for pampering

Massage your hands

Sit in the sunshine

Burn a scented candle or oils

Have a soothing hot drink

Sit out in the garden and see what sounds you can hear

Cook or bake something nourishing or indulgent

Book in for a spa treatment or massage if you feel ready

Behavioural strategies

Keep busy - clean, tidy or organise things

Watch TV or turn off the TV

Pack a bag of tings for the charity shop

Go for a walk or do some exercise

Find an activity such as painting, knitting or gardening that helps you

Emotional strategies

Cry!

Ride the wave of the feeling - it will pass

Rest, sleep or daydream

Spend time with your pets

Vent your feelings in a way that works for you, try different methods at different times

Bereavement Resources