For Dads

The devastation of baby loss can be even more isolating for dads…

Many men take on the role of being the supportive partner for the mother through receiving a poor diagnosis, supporting decision making and and also being present and helping through labour and after their baby is born.

Unfortunately, dads can end up spending most of their time supporting their partner and being the organiser, communicator with family, and the “strong” one. This leaves little to no time for them to spend processing their own emotions and feelings of the impending loss of their precious baby. They may be overlooked, as people might ask how their partner is doing and neglect to ask after them too. There is a high likelihood of men experiencing disenfranchised grief, as it can also be difficult to communicate with other men about how they are feeling.

Men can also express grief differently to women - they may try to keep busy more often, become angry instead of tearful, and bottle up how they are feeling. It is important to remember that both parents can be grieving at different stages to each other too.

You may feel under pressure to return to work - speak to your manager and your GP and see what might work best for you. Work may be a welcome distraction for some but can also add stress and take time away from you that you need for processing what you have been through and what you have lost

Resources for dads:

Féileacáin have a dads football team and also a befrienders program where dads can talk to other dads who have been though baby loss

A Little Lifetime have dads only meetings

The Dad Still Standing podcast (2 dads casually talk through baby loss grief and its challenges)

How you can help a grieving dad

Ask how they are feeling. Dads may say they are “grand” or brush things off, or they may respond honestly that they are upset, depressed, or that they don’t know how they are feeling. If you find it hard to talk about emotions, be prepared for an honest answer and think about how you will respond.

Be proactive in your communication, but do not try to force an answer for someone who is not ready or able to talk about their emotions.

Make suggestions such as meeting for a walk, a coffee, or even a pint in a quiet corner. Whatever the dad will find helpful.

If you don’t know how to approach a dad who is grieving, you can tell them this and just say that you are here for them. Saying nothing and acting like nothing happened is the worst thing you can do, and is isolating for them.

Show up: if you find that the dad is pulling away, and communicating with you less, don’t give up. Be there, show up and show support. The worst that can happen is you will be sent away. But your gesture will not be forgotten.

Listen, but don’t advise. No one expects you to know what to do or say. Just talk it out and don’t try too hard. Men can be used to “fixing” things, but there is no solution this time

Quotes from our dads…

In December 2023, my wife and I lost our son Darragh. At about 20 weeks, a scan showed Darragh's heart was not forming properly and he would likely have heart issues when he was born but that they would need to see how it would progress. As it was still relatively early in the pregnancy, it wasn't clear how things would develop or how severe it would be.

I wasn't overly anxious about the news, it didn't seem all that devastating. It would certainly impact Darragh's life and make things tougher but I felt however things turned out we would just manage it as best we could. I felt at the time, I was being stoic but in hindsight I was emotionally distancing myself to stay functional.

A few weeks later, at the follow up scan, doctors made clear that Darragh had severe heart issues. We were told he would survive the pregnancy, but that he would require multiple operations throughout his infancy. However, even in the most optimistic circumstances, the outcomes seemed extremely poor. As the doctors went through our options, we were told that under Irish legislation, termination would not be an option and if it was something we wanted to pursue, we would need to travel to the UK.

At the time, I couldn't fully comprehend what we’d been told. I'd felt mentally prepared for what would be life limiting issues. I wasn't prepared for being told that even with medical intervention, he would likely live only a handful of years. It was at this point I became completely detached from my emotions. I felt very little at all.